"Sway" (2015)

someone once told me that depression is
god’s way of weeding out the weak
i’ve spent lifetimes oscillating between extremes
and sometimes, i can’t help but think that
when “God” made me
he never meant for me to last
you see
i was born a ticking time bomb
set off by the tiniest hint of a breeze
i fall for every hint of breeze as though it were a hurricane
a loose cannon doomed to self-destruct again and again
i am the disintegration
ungrounded like quicksand
and i can hear the crack of my bones
as they grind against the axes of my existence
i
and me
are suspended in a perpetual disconnect
manic i
and depressed me
aren’t even the same person
i am a seesaw in disequilibrium
trying to strike a balance
where there is none
eternally
trying to find it in myself to just be happy
like everyone wants me to be
but the opposite of depression is not happiness
it’s vitality
my mouth is an open wound
unending verbal bloodletting
but i am not weak
nor is the rawness that defines me
there will always be days when i am more
rot than woman,
days caught between floating on the surface
and
drowning in my melancholy

depression feels like a lot like dying

but it’s not a death
as much as it is a continual rebirth
like a phoenix lost to the flames
just to rise from the ashes
again and again

there are moments like these